Okay, i got no diary, so i guess this is the only place my emo, offensive ramblings can go. no one comes here anyway... simply, life has been both good and bad. where to start...

in NS, so life stands at a stand still for me. almost absolutely no progress towards the future, considering that the SATs are cleared. now i just need to wait to apply... As a technician things can get pretty cool and enjoyable, but the people... Since coming to NS, i now get to see many sides of the human nature. sad to say, most of them are pathetic. hypocritical whiners, gossiping about ho0w they are better than others, making fun of them and plotting their next move to get those people in trouble. then there's the immature ones, acting like the king of the world, and expecting to be treated as such. seriously, making snide comments like that just makes you look stupid. you dun like me, fine. those comments ain't gonna make you look cooler, ain't gonna make me change, or even respect you.

on the mental side, well i've developed a better understanding of humans in general... the simple minded ones, at least. everyone tries so hard to act like their better than everyone else it just gets pathetic. respect seems to have become a worthless commodity. just because you think you're better than others doesn't mean you dun have to respect anyone else. every one deserves some level of respect from you, whether as a junior, a senior, a superior or maybe as just a simple human being. some just dun understand that. lost are the days where people had a standing in society just be living.

i guess this means i know more or less wad kind of girl i'm looking for... getting your broken the first time seems to really change your perspective on everything. i nid someone hu can understand people too, on a level equal to mine. someone who can form opinions, who can observe their surroundings. No more do i search for just fun and laughter, but also some meaning to a relationship. wtf, no one's gonna understand this anyway, except for my closest friends.

somehow, i guess the stress of NS is giving me the feeling of an impending end. i guess i'm laughing at those who are holding their breath for the end of the world in 2012. wadeva....

ok, now i'm just bored. dunno if anyone even comes around here in the first place... wadeva.

things starting to look up for me... at least i'm able to get out of the house more often these days, albeit later in the day. Got my digital camera, a simple Samsung L301, for $189 and freebies. going to qualify soon, which means a promotion and a pay rise :)

lately, i've stopped being emo, but still annoying philosophical. What the heck is love anyway?
Is it a psycological feeling when you feel that you can trust someone? is it a chemical reaction from the transmission of hormones from person to person, creatin an irresistable urge between them? or is it just a feeble attempt at a contract between two people to decalre that they have chosen each other to be the person they NEED as a daily human interaction? or just a flaw in the human condition, to be used in an excuse to do stupid things that defy normal traditions?

Is it emotional or scientific? or, dare i ponder, a characteristic flaw?

.... I am on the verge of falling into an emo state of depression. I'm having trouble moving on with life, and this stinks. I can't even find time to go out with the friends that i have left, considering how many of them have abandoned me. I feel like rambling on in a depressed state of mind.

Ramblings of the Emo:
life goes on an flies past our faces. Each day we meet more and more new people, and we attempt to satisfy our desire for human relationships. Lately however, it seems like these relationships are over valued. I can;t even tell whats true or false anymore. i have no idea what to do or how to carry on in life. It feels most personal relationships i have made have been superficial and false. I feel like a can't connect to anyone on a deeper, more emotional level other than to fulfil the stereotypical expectations of me. Its like i'm an actor and all the world is my critics. I find myself creating thoughts of how unnecessary relationships are with others, that none of it is true anymore. What use is making friends when a bond is so fragile? betrayal and trickery are nigh in today's societal contexts. How can one be sure?

Yup, i'm going crazy.

I feel so depressed these days.... not suicidally depressed, of course, just really sad.

I'm socially retarded, so i have trouble getting close to friends. Betrayed many times, so i just have trouble trusting people... or even looking in their eyes sometimes. Can't even open up to anyone... just can't find someone who would understand me. i can't even find the time to just hang out with the few friends i have, and even then i can't open up...

self esteem issues too. I just can't be bothered to get angry these days.... feeling more arrogant too, for some reason. There's no chance in hell i could just go up to someone and just introduce myself. Just doesn't work.

feel so tired these days... I just space out so easily, and just let the world go by.... feeling numb to the world already.

No close friends, not really much hope of making them.... I think it is pretty true i got not much left in Singapore.... after all, how many people ARE going to read this blog? I;m just a pathetic emo teen who is too self absorbed, thinking that his world is falling apart around him.

ok, just more or less a note so that i can keep track of my life, and maybe let others know too...

I'm currently in NS, as an air force technician. not much, ORD on 270111. Planning to apply to an overseas uni, preferably standford or one of the UCs... want to apply for aerospace engineering, seems really interesting. I'll probably study like crazy, hope to get a job offer there, work there a couple of years i guess...

Well, i'll probably find a girl there or smt, keeping my options open. Not really much point in me staying in Singapore at this moment... won't miss much, but what i miss i'll miss a lot.

So, in prep for this, i'm taking and studyng for SAT II, the subject tests... already done maths, just waiting to take physics.... With 3 H2 and 1 H1 distinction, shouldn't be much of a problem to getting in to stanford.

In a nearer future, i hope to be able to drive by the end of the year. will want to slack off a bit more.... but not much else to do these days.

life has officially hit an all new low for me. This weeks stinks to high heaven, and it still does.

My fever came back last friday, spent the whole weekend sleeping, laptop broke down that weekend, just broke down again, my SAT math is tml, my course test is next week, i;ve been socially disconnected for two weeks straight, i feel nauseated, depressed, lost, and almost downright suicidal.

Did i mention plans for sociallizing tml have fallen through?

only one word can fully describe the extent to which my sorrows and sadness has eaten into my soul, making my meaningless so hollow, this word will literally echo through it for a good long time: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i hate my life.

ok, i just recovered from a 39.3 degree fever.... whoosh. still got a bit of a throat infection though...

Life is boring, just flowing right by. not much to do, since i'm in NS.... other than:
1) a)Math SATs
b)Physics SATs
2)Register for BTT
3)get ready for my OJT (don't ask)
4)study for awt (Again, don't ask)
5) find a purpose to replace the heart-wrenching emptiness in my pathetic excuse of a life and find SOMETHING to do (SEriously, don't bother asking. if you don't know, you're not in the loop. MY loop)

.... Life sux.... and obviously, i'm having emo swings.... oh well.